More Than I Can Be

Abigail Grace

2007-12-29T23:48:00.000-06:00

despair

2007-12-29T23:21:00.000-06:00

i hide away my fears inside, until the weight of them incapacitates me. i want to scream them just to let them out but i'm not strong enough to break free. they are fears that do not go away. fears that make it difficult to breathe sometimes. satan wants to kill me with them. i fight to keep from drowning in them, but it seems that it's the battle that never ends. i never feel any closer to winning than i ever have. i am weak and trembly and i feel faint. despair is getting the best of me, and i feel sick to my stomach. tears seem to be all that i can release. my words are frozen inside...planned, but unable to emerge. confidence totally eludes me. i hate being here. i wish that somehow i could just imagine it all away. if only i could be a little child again.

life update...

2007-12-14T10:32:00.000-06:00

funny how your hormones being out of whack can make you depressed. i guess that's just what having a baby does to you. i hate mood swings and depression and being out of shape. no fun.

i want to start blogging regularly again. it's a good way to get my thoughts sorted out and to vent my frustrations. i miss it.

so in the last year and a half...i've gotten married, gotten pregnant, moved twice, and now, just had our first baby. life has been crazy, but it's great. married life is the best thing ever. and i have been tremendously blessed with the most amazing husband in the whole world, matt. and a beautiful baby girl, abigail. God is so good!!

i can't believe that it's almost christmas. time passes by so much faster the older i get. sometimes i just wish it would slow down. i'm beginning to realize -with some disappointment- that there are things i thought i would have time for once that baby was born, but it's not as i thought, and i will never have that time again. i'm having a hard time accepting that fact.

and now i must go. the baby is screaming.

coffee catastrophe

2007-12-07T07:37:00.000-06:00

the baby won't sleep, thus i've probably been awake since about 4:30 this morning, alternately burping, feeding, changing, and begging dear abigail to please go back to lullaby land. around about 7:00 i finally gave up on the idea of getting any more sleep and decided to eat something, get a cup of coffee, and then return to bed and hopefully to at least "rest" a little longer. alas, after settling back into bed with the laptop, the baby, and a cup of coffee sitting safely on my bedside table, i attempted to open my web browser and find my blog page. all of a sudden a loud clunk is heard to my left. i peek over the pillow blocking my view of the nightstand, only to realize with great despair that it was my coffee mug tipping over. so throwing the laptop aside and jumping out of bed, i begin snatching up anything and everything within a 2-foot radius of the nightstand...books, papers, a bag of my scrapbooking stuff, lamp, night light, earrings, purse, camera, bassinet, and all other things imaginable. i haven't quite figured it out, but somehow the coffee also got into the drawer of the nightstand, thus soaking numerous, random items that had been stashed there as well. and of course there was coffee under the nightstand and on the rug too. talk about major disaster! now i have many coffee-stained papers which i'm afraid will not let me forget this coffee catastrophe any time soon, especially seeing as it happens to be on quite a lot of scrapbooking stuff...lol. yeah, so that was my morning in a nutshell. oh yeah...after the entire above scenario, i settled back into bed once again, with...a water bottle (with lid tightly closed)...yeah.

uncertainty

2005-04-02T14:28:00.000-06:00

wow...it's been a LONG time. come and see my current thoughts at http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=calioceangirl

uncertainty

2005-04-02T14:23:00.000-06:00

wow...it's been a LONG time. come and see my current thoughts at http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=calioceangirl

unexplainable mystery

2005-02-20T13:45:00.000-06:00

yeah...so i know i haven't posted in a long time. i guess i'm finding it harder than i thought to keep up with two journals. i have pretty much converted to xanga now. but i'm still trying to keep this one alive. we'll see i guess. :)

hopeful

2005-02-11T17:02:00.000-06:00

spiritual warfare is real. and it's happening here, on this campus. so many people are growing in their walks with God and the devil doesn't like it. let me encourage you all to stand strong...we can win this battle!

no longer dead

2005-02-01T21:35:00.000-06:00

hey ya'll...

FCA was great tonight! i'm so excited about what God is doing. i know i keep saying that, but i just can't help it...i really am! :) He has really been teaching me so much lately and i'm learning once again that i must surrender EVERYTHING to Him and let go. there is so much peace and joy in that...it's amazing. when we seek Him with all our hearts...He WILL meet us where we are. God bless you all!

forgotten

2005-01-21T12:34:00.000-06:00

i went to an awesome concert last night of Jon Baker & Chris Plank. i really enjoyed it. hmmm...

God has been doing so much in my life recently and i just don't know where to start. One thing that He revealed to me was that i thought i was giving Him my all...all my desires...and i wasn't. i was holding on to certain areas of my life and refusing to let go completely and give Him control. yet i said so often to myself that i would be satisfied with whatever He did in this area, and i had begun to believe that and was blinded to the fact that something in me was still trying to "help" God do it right. This was a painful realization in some ways, but it has been really freeing to move past it and TOTALLY surrender all my desires and fears to Jesus and let Him give me something so much better and more beautiful than i could ever create on my own. This experience has given me so much peace and joy...it's amazing. :) i've also noticed that when i do finally let go and bow helpless before my Father, He begins to bless my life in ways i never imagined. i had forgotten how GOOD it feels to be free in God's presence.

i still have so much more to learn.

grrrr!

2005-01-20T11:03:00.000-06:00

this thing just messed up and deleted the post i just wrote! :( i know i haven't updated in a while so heres something to keep you busy...lol for all of you xanga fans i now have a blog there too. www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=calioceangirl more later...have fun! :)

battle

2005-01-15T01:31:00.000-06:00

wow...i can't believe my last post. i can't remember the last time i've felt this down. i didn't go late night bowling last night...which is very unlike me...and instead i took a long walk alone all over the campus when it was very late and dark and cold. :S then this morning i after i woke up i cried for a long time. but thankfully i was finally able to start sorting out some of the stuff that was bothering me, and i talked to a friend about it and she really encouraged me, and now i feel so much better. :) so then i had a fun outing with some fellow californians to wal-mart and then a belhaven basketball game...we won, yay!!!

anyways...it's really late, my roomie is asleep, and i'm going to church tomorrow so i should go to bed. goodnight everyone!

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." ~ Colossians 3:23

not today

2005-01-13T14:40:00.000-06:00

today is the second day of classes...i can't believe my own reluctance. yesterday was good until about noon and now i'm just totally depressed. :( nothing significant happend to make me feel this way...at least not that i remember. my head is just so full of jumbled feelings and i don't know what to do with them all. i couldn't sleep last night although i was dead tired...so i prayed a lot, which i need to do more. i often get so busy with the things that seem so important...and i push God over to the side. that's something i'm really trying to work on...putting Him first.

i can't think or even seem to carry on a normal conversation. people keep asking me if i'm ok...i guess it must be pretty obvious. i've been spending a lot of time alone...shut up in my room, just staring into space.

last night i read this verse and found it comforting... "He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfullness will be your shield and rampart." ~ Psalm 91:4 it's good to know that no matter how terrible i'm feeling or how confused i am, God is always there...holding me.

intro. to counseling was so long and boring....maybe it's just because i'm tired. i hope that's what it is because this is just the first day and i will have it twice a week for the rest of the semester. i'm really beginning to feel the pressure of all the work...i refuse to be overwhelmed...i have enough to worry about already. i have one more class today still...performance technique...which i hope goes better than i think it will.

i also have a campus newspaper meeting...probably followed by an article assignment to write. then i have to work until midnight...tonight is gonna be so long...i can feel it.

it's so fun to drink orange juice right from the carton... :)

life goes on

2005-01-10T21:49:00.000-06:00

i'm back in mississippi...school starts on wednesday. i miss my friends...heidi, ben, and josh, ya'll are great! i had so much fun ice skating and hanging out...although i am terribly dissapointed that i didn't get to ski. :(

i get the feeling that this semester holds many big changes...i can't put my finger on it, but the feeling is just there. ??? i know it sounds kind of scary, but i honestly have no idea what i'm supposed to do with my life...apart from glorifying God. i'm praying a lot and just trying really hard to be content where He has me...it's so hard sometimes. so many days i wake up with thinking "what am i doing here?" i really don't know...just that God wants me here for now. i feel like i'm probably really weird because almost everyone else knows what they wanna do at least and most everyone in college wants to get a degree. i don't even know that. for some reason a degree just isn't important to me right now...sure, i'll do it if God tells me too, but i honestly just wanna get married and forget the whole thing. ok...i bet i''m beginning to seriously confuse you all. i see you saying... "boy, she is one messed up person!"..."she shouldn't be wasting her time and money if she doesn't wanna be there!" well...just hold your horses. i know i'm supposed to be here right now and even if i only stay one or two years and don't get a degree, my time will not be wasted. i have already learned things that will last me a lifetime.

anyways...enough rambling on. you all probably really think i'm stupid now. goodnight.

at last

2005-01-01T23:28:00.000-06:00

i can hardly believe that it's now 2005. wow....time seems to pass more and more quickly the older i get.

last night was so much fun. :) i hung out at ben's house to usher in the new year. food...bonfire...guns...all that and more made for quite an eventful night. if you missed it, oh well...i don't think explaining it would do you much good.

today i hung out with heidi and her family. heidi and i had a great time talking and we rode her horses to the sealy's home where we observed an exciting game of paintball.

anyways...i guess that about wraps up my day. HAPPY NEW YEARS everyone!!!! :)

go figure

2004-12-30T00:07:00.000-06:00

the year is almost over and i find myself dreading the upcoming schoolwork. but in some ways it will be a welcome change to get back to belhaven...and be challenged...and yes, even to escape...i know that's not a good reason, but...i'm being driven crazy here. enough said. :)

tonight i went to the mcravy's beautiful home out in hodges for the annual new year's eve eve get together. we set off fireworks over the lake...which is always entertaing to watch. but for some odd reason, this year i seemed to be watching something other than the fireworks...or maybe i have always done that...i don't know :( i think i need to see a psychiatrist maybe...j/k. it was good to talk to some people that i haven't seen in quite a while...and observe others displaying elements of their changed lives. haha...am i making any sense?? i think probably not. i'm dissatisfied...what is wrong with me?? ok...that's all...i need to end now. night.

oh and yeah...i'm dissapointed greatly. my very first, much anticipated skiing trip is officially cancelled due to warm weather in the middle of winter. :(

passing time

2004-12-27T02:12:00.000-06:00

well...christmas is now 364 days away. it was nice while it lasted...i spent the day at home opening presents, eating, and just hanging out with my family. i got a moshi pillow (yes!!), a book called "what to do when you don't know what to do" (can't wait to read it...i think i really need it), and some miscellaneous stuff.

today i went ice skating with heidi, josh, and ben. at last minute my whole family decided to follow us down to columbia and join us at iceland. none of the rest of them had ever ice skated so it was a lot of fun watching them all learn. afterwards we went to the columia mall...which was packed...and got something to eat...then my family went home. heidi, ben, and i hung out for quite a while after we got back to greenwood...doing random stuff...lol. yeah, we went to the mall (but mocha express was closed)...so we went to ruby tuesday's to get something like coffee and a desert...but ended up just getting an apetizer (because they didn't have much good cheap)...so then we went to chili's and split cheesecake... it was really a funny night. i miss the city...there's so much always going on and so much more to do...greenwood is sadly small and boring. plus you always risk seeing someone you know that you don't wanna see...everyone somehow seems to know your business, which can be really annoying.

in a few days i will be snow skiing for the first time ever. it's gonna be cold...but i'm excited. we're gonna have so much fun! :)

i hope all you guys had a great christmas!

yeah we did

2004-12-21T14:27:00.000-06:00

yah...i'm still in greenwood. life is interesting...nothing much going on. i have been busy though...hanging out with my siblings, ice skating with friends, christmas shopping, watching movies, sleeping, making plans for new years and a big skiing trip with my bf.

"it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you"...yah i have christmas songs running through my head...lol. actually the weather is pretty nice...maybe i'll go out and ride horses now. :)

last night i was all over town...busy trying to finish up my last minute christmas shopping. i kept running into a million people i know...it was weird. anyways...that was lots of fun and i think i've finally finished with all that...i kinda hope it doesn't snow. i miss jackson with all the big malls and all the fun places to go...the city is great! :)

now i'm just being lazy and wasting time...talking with my bf and planning my trip to california next summer and my trip to new york. it's gonna be soooo fun...i can hardly wait!!

so...that's the scoop on my life right now...hasta la vista!

confusion

2004-12-13T21:54:00.000-06:00

it feels like its been a long time since i posted. i guess it hasn't been all that long, but a lot has happened. until Christmas break is over i'm afraid my posts are gonna most likely be few and far between. i hope you guys are all having fun and are finished with school. i'm home and just found out i'm not gonna have the job they told me i would after all. :( i sorta doubt that i will be able to find work so i'm not sure what i'm gonna do now.

sorry...gotta go. i'll try to post more soon.

cool quote

2004-12-10T20:45:00.000-06:00

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

i gotta get out

2004-12-10T02:00:00.000-06:00

ok...i can do this. four exams down, one to go. boy was that last one terrible! all of us were totally freaked out! ok...enough about exams.

we had another interesting experience tonight. ok...usually when the heater is running, water and steam flow through the pipes. well...for some reason no water was flowing through them, only water...so the dorm began to smell inside and smoke was pouring out of the heat unit outside, plus getting in our rooms. needless to say, the fire alarms started going off and they evacuated the building. yah...so they had to turn it off so it wouldn't start a fire and after a little while they let us back in. it still smells in here and its really hot, but they said not to open the windows because we don't currently have working heat. i did anyways though because my room was unbearably hot...i couldn't stand it. it feels much better now. :) so...that was the most recent Belhaven adventure! lol.

almost finished

2004-12-08T23:13:00.000-06:00

i'm almost finished with exams! three down, two to go. yah...i had three today. whew...i'm so glad that's over. i will be so happy when i'm finished completely. :) i'll probably go do something crazy just because i won't know what to do with myself. haha!

two and a half weeks until Christmas! i can't believe it's so close. time passes so fast when you get older. when i was younger i remember waiting for what seemed like forever for Christmas to come again. weird how now it's here before i know it and it just means i'm getting older.

wow...ya'll...God is so faithful...He has given me so much peace through all of this stress and cramming. it makes such a difference when you put Him first and spend time with Him every day. there's so much freedom in being able to give God all your worries and just leave them in His hands walking away in total trust. He's so awesome!

in the laundry room

2004-12-07T23:45:00.000-06:00

last night was very enventful. i worked until 1:00 am, went out to Wendys to get something to eat, then sat outside with some friends for a while. after my friends went back to their rooms i stayed outside just enjoying the strong winds and the chance for some time alone. about 1:50 am i came inside and talked a few minutes with some friends online. all of a sudden i hear an alarm start going off and someone banging on the doors all down my hall. i yanked open the door and heard my RA and the RD yelling for everyone to get down in the laundry room (located under the 1st floor). so i wake up my roomate and we grab cell phones, keys, and homework and rush down the stairs. it was amazing to see so many people all moving one direction at the same time. so we were all sqeezed in the laundry room for almost an hour. turns out to be a severe tornado and thunderstorm warning with wind 50 mph. the tornado hit nearby and we are all okay. i don't think it was even in Jackson. anyways...it was quite an adventure. there were a lot of sleepy irritated people down there and others who thought they were about to perish. quite a night!

random musings

2004-12-05T15:18:00.000-06:00

i'm in such a Christmas mood today. i got a little of my Christmas shopping done...but i'm nowhere near finished! there are so many neat places to shop here in Jackson...at least compared to Greenwood.

i just made it through two nights of singing Christmas tree performances out in the soccer bowl. it was actually really cool to be a part of that...so many people came to watch. this is the 72nd annual year of the Belhaven singing Christmas tree...Belhaven actually started the tradition...isn't that cool? the tradition began in 1933 when Belhaven was still a ladies only college and they have been using the same structure from then until two years ago...amazing huh?

i really should get busy studying for finals...i just feel so overwhelmed. where do i start? i wish i could just sleep through them all and wake up in Greenwood. wouldn't that be cool? too bad it doesn't happen. or maybe i could just wake up and realize that finals were all just a dream. ok...enough of this crazyness! i guess i'll just have to study. :(

listening to: Charlotte Church - "Dream the Dream" CD
mood: lazy and dissatisfied

what next?

2004-12-02T21:24:00.000-06:00

i need sleep! i was up til 3:30 last night...or should i say this morning? i am so tired! anyways...two more days of classes...a week of finals...then i'm done! i really can't wait. but what's next? i guess i should work while i'm home...i sure could use the money. i've got a lot of Christmas shopping to do... :) sorry guys...i know i'm rambling on...i'm really tired, ok!

"When the going gets tough~when the ride's too rough~when you're just not sure enough~Jesus will still be there~His love will never change~sure as a steady rain~Jesus will still be there ~when no one else is true~He'll still be loving you~when it looks like you've lost it all~and you haven't got a prayer~Jesus will still be there."

~ from the song "Jesus Will Still Be There"

ok ya'll that's the encouragement for today! don't know about you...but i sure needed that! :)

amazing rediscovery...lol

2004-12-02T00:58:00.000-06:00

ok, i think my major rediscovery for this week is that PEOPLE CAN BE SOOO CONFUSING! if you're ever wondering...just talk to me. it can get really frustrating when you can't figure it all out. sometimes i wish i could just stop my mind from agonizing over all this stuff. what's wrong with me??

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."

~ Psalm 27:14

don't forget...ALL things are possible, even when they seem impossible. God does work miracles! :)

back again

2004-11-30T16:40:00.000-06:00

back from thanksgiving break. it seems so ridiculous to come back for two weeks! time is passing so slow, yet so fast because there isn't much time to study for finals. Eeek...talk about stress!

mississippi weather is sooo weird! it keeps changing from really cold to warm...i just can't get used to it. maybe i'll just move back to california :)

i don't know what's wrong with me right now...maybe i'm just not in a good mood. i have a bad headache...i'm sorta depressed, frustrated, confused, dissapointed...please someone tell me what's wrong with me!

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."

~ John 14:18

papers, homework, study

2004-11-22T22:33:00.000-06:00

that seems to be all i do nowa days. i need a break - seriously - or i just might collapse and pass away all together. i don't know why or what, but i need some new inspiration in my life. maybe next semester will be better.

i'm looking forward to next semester and some of the stuff i will be taking. finally i've finished getting registered for my classes. i'm taking an intro. to psycology/counseling, voice lessons (yipeee!!) and piano lessons. on top of that i'm still taking all the required worldview classes, english, some dance classes, and maybe choir. boy am i gonna be busy!

ok i know i sound depressed...but i just can't focus on this english paper i'm trying to write, so i thought i'd let my frustrations go. so now i've gotta get back to that. :(

keep the hope...don't give up! :)

remember this

2004-11-21T23:26:00.000-06:00

"We all have dreams. We all have desires. And what I have found is that God's timing and our timing to see those dreams and desires fufilled is very different."

~Dave Christiano

five more weeks

2004-11-20T23:46:00.000-06:00

five more weeks until Christmas! i can't believe it's almost here already. i'm ready to come home...seems like when it starts getting cold i get more homesick. i guess maybe because the weather puts me in the mood to cuddle up somewhere warm and cozy. it makes me think of being with family, holiday shopping, and long talks with people i love. i'm excited about going ice skating, snow skiing, Christmas and New Year parties, bonfires, and hanging out with friends.

this time of year can also bring lonliness. wanting that special someone to share your best secrets and to talk with in the warmth of the fire. wanting to hold that someone's hand as you stand and gaze up at the stars.

but God knows all our desires and He knows what we need....so we just have to keep trusting Him, even when it seems impossible. :)

random weirdness

2004-11-19T15:29:00.000-06:00

i had a stressful morning...full of rushing all over campus, filling out forms, and trying to get registered for next semester's classes. i think i finally got it all figured out though. at least for now.

no new news on yesterday's tradgedy. everything seems about the same. i still get really sad when i think about it.

i can't believe that i'm actually a college student now. i feel like i'm still in high school, only the decisions i have to make are a lot harder. i'm almost through my first semester! sometimes i'm surprised i've made it this far.

mood: i feel sorta sad and depressed
i'm listening to: "There You'll Be" from "Pearl Harbor"

disturbing tradgedy

2004-11-18T21:53:00.000-06:00

a very disturbing event occured here at Belhaven today. sometime this morning the body of a senior was found in his house off campus. he commited suicide. i believe he hung himself just sometime this morning. i don't know a lot of details yet, but our college President, Dr. Parrott, left a message on everyones' voice-mail asking us to pray for his family. so would you guys remember his family and the people here at Belhaven in your prayers? many of the students have been walking around in shock today, espescially those closer to him and his fellow golf team members. this is an unusual tradgedy at Belhaven and has caused a lot of confusion. you hear about it happening, but to experience it so close gives it a totally new meaning. it's so weird. i'm really sad for his family and for him too, because something was obviously not right in his life and that was his way of solving the problem.

life's problems are too much for us to handle on our own. Jesus is the only one who can give us the strength to bear the trials that we go through. He is the only One who can fufill us and give our lives true meaning.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains shake with their surging."

~Psalms 46:1-3

i can't wait

2004-11-17T13:00:00.000-06:00

i'm going home for thanksgiving!! i can't wait to have a break from school. i have been really stressed out with all my homework and all the papers i have to write, and all the tests i have to study for. i NEED a break! can't wait to see my family and friends, go ice skating, go to coffee & desert co., and just relax!

"peace comes from knowing that God is with me every step of the way."

confused

2004-11-16T20:50:00.000-06:00

i dont know what i'm doing, i don't know where i'm going, i don't know why i'm here. i guess i have to say i'm really not very content right now. i wanna be doing some other stuff...but i know that God has me here NOW for a reason. i just don't know what it is.

i'm sorta depressed too. people can be so weird and confusing and frustrating. relationships that aren't what you want them to be can get you down. i think that's what's wrong with me maybe. i guess i'm dissapointed.

this should be fun

2004-11-16T15:21:00.000-06:00

this looks cool. i've always wanted to do one of these blogs. hope ya'll enjoy reading it! i'd love to hear from ya'll too!